Warning: This is probably the cutest thing anyone has ever seen.
I never use this thing anymore. I’m going to Jamaica in the morning, and it’s 40 degrees there. I can already feel my balls melting.
Today celebrates Canada declaring its independence from the evil Moose People of Saskatoon. For 300 years the Moose People ruled Canada with an iron fist. Riding on mooseback and carrying large whips they would force the Canadians to work in the maple syrup mines. They felt they were generous leaders because they paid the workers with bacon. But this was no bacon at all. It was ham that they called bacon.
Finally the people got fed up with the harsh working conditions and fake bacon. They rose up against the Moose People and said, “That’s not bacon, eh!” They fashioned weapons from petrified syrup and fought the Moose People into near extinction. With each blow of their petrified syrup swords they would say, “Oh dear. Really sorry boot that, eh.”
Then on July 1, 1867 the last of the Moose People were dead and the Canadians declared that they were free.